I'm in love with a man who will never love me back. Or at least love me back in the way I want to be loved. I'm not saying this because I lack confidence or don't believe I'm worth loving, it's just a fact.
I think he likes me, I think he cares, but love isn't something he can do. He can't love me. I could say it a million times and still a small part of me won't believe it.
He's broken, and I'm broken, but when I'm with him the broken pieces of me seem to be a little less broken. Even before we met, he knew my soul. That's such a rare thing. And something that's worth fighting for in my mind. He feels that connection to me too, but that scares him more than anything. He's too exposed. His past has made it easier for him to retreat than be vulnerable. His past has told him not to get close to anyone because he'll only hurt them.
If only I could explain to him that the hurt of not even getting the chance may be killing me. If only you could fix people. If only I could forget him. If only I could move on. If only I could make him understand. If only happy endings happened for everyone. If only.
-C
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Monday, March 2, 2015
No News Is Good News
You know what they say, 'no news is good news' and in the case of my last month, it couldn't be more true. Whether it's the meds being in my system longer and really working now or just being in a good place, or both; at this point I really don't care. I can genuinely say three words I've not been able to say too often in my life the past few months and years. I am happy. Let me repeat that...I AM HAPPY!
It seems so simple yet so foreign to me. Knowing how I feel now and looking back on the past few years I don't know that I've ever felt this good - even when I thought I was doing good before, it was nothing like this.
I'm not saying this to get high fives or have some "look at me, I'm doing well". I'm saying it because I can't stop saying it and feeling it!
Are there still hard things in my life? Yes. Do I still get sad sometimes? Of course. Am I still going to therapy twice a week? You bet. Am I going to stop taking my meds? HELL NO.
That's all for now. :)
-C
It seems so simple yet so foreign to me. Knowing how I feel now and looking back on the past few years I don't know that I've ever felt this good - even when I thought I was doing good before, it was nothing like this.
I'm not saying this to get high fives or have some "look at me, I'm doing well". I'm saying it because I can't stop saying it and feeling it!
Are there still hard things in my life? Yes. Do I still get sad sometimes? Of course. Am I still going to therapy twice a week? You bet. Am I going to stop taking my meds? HELL NO.
That's all for now. :)
-C
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