I'm in love with a man who will never love me back. Or at least love me back in the way I want to be loved. I'm not saying this because I lack confidence or don't believe I'm worth loving, it's just a fact.

I think he likes me, I think he cares, but love isn't something he can do. He can't love me. I could say it a million times and still a small part of me won't believe it.

He's broken, and I'm broken, but when I'm with him the broken pieces of me seem to be a little less broken. Even before we met, he knew my soul. That's such a rare thing. And something that's worth fighting for in my mind. He feels that connection to me too, but that scares him more than anything. He's too exposed. His past has made it easier for him to retreat than be vulnerable. His past has told him not to get close to anyone because he'll only hurt them.

If only I could explain to him that the hurt of not even getting the chance may be killing me. If only you could fix people. If only I could forget him. If only I could move on. If only I could make him understand. If only happy endings happened for everyone. If only.


-C

No News Is Good News

You know what they say, 'no news is good news' and in the case of my last month, it couldn't be more true. Whether it's the meds being in my system longer and really working now or just being in a good place, or both; at this point I really don't care. I can genuinely say three words I've not been able to say too often in my life the past few months and years. I am happy. Let me repeat that...I AM HAPPY!

It seems so simple yet so foreign to me. Knowing how I feel now and looking back on the past few years I don't know that I've ever felt this good - even when I thought I was doing good before, it was nothing like this.

I'm not saying this to get high fives or have some "look at me, I'm doing well". I'm saying it because I can't stop saying it and feeling it!

Are there still hard things in my life? Yes. Do I still get sad sometimes? Of course. Am I still going to therapy twice a week? You bet. Am I going to stop taking my meds? HELL NO.

That's all for now. :)




-C

My Life

I do online dating. If you know me, you're painfully (for me) and comically (for you) aware of that fact. So I went online to find a date maybe even a boyfriend {I'll pause here so you can laugh} and what do I end up with? Not a boyfriend but a super sexy personal trainer. Woo. Hoo. What every little girl dreams of.


-C

New Colors

It's a strange place to be in life when you get excited because the color of your pills changed this month. Not the medication itself, just the colors.


-C

The Trouble With Men

Who hasn't heard of the classic saying "can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em"? It's become my go to phrase over the past two years of actively dating. Actively dating as in, I want a relationship. A companion. I've grown up with some amazing examples of relationships, and I yearn for that. Two years of serial dating, broken hearts, bruised egos, and spending far too much time thinking about "the one that got away". Honestly, I'm exhausted.

The holidays are an especially fun time to be single...especially as the single in a family full of couples...okay, my niece Kate is a single too, but at 3 months old, I can cut her some slack. It's even harder to explain why this is difficult to my family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family to the ends of the earth. But with parents that met in middle school and who have been married over half their lives, it's tough explaining a void they've never experienced.

Here's the trouble with men though, they all seem to end up hurting you. The bad guys? Yep. The good guys? Sure enough. And here's the part that took me some time to realize; when you date a bad guy, you know you're going to get hurt. It's the undeniable truth. With good guys though, you expect more, you expect better; and when they inevitably hurt you, it hurts even more. You feel like the wind has been knocked out of you. You're left reeling.

In the offhand chance that the last potential someone reads this, it's nothing to do with you. No, if anything you started chipping away at some of the walls I'd built. And I could never so much as think of a harsh thing to say about you. And to those privy to additional information on the inner workings of my [lack thereof] love life, thank you for not prying for more than I want to share.

Who knows, maybe a new year means a new chance at finding a relationship. All I can say is God bless the man who puts up with my crazy mind, warped sense of humor, all my tears, and my over-sharing.


-C